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A New Project

Journal Entry: Tue Dec 8, 2009, 1:02 PM
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  • Sketches - 1$

  • Lineart - 5$

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  • With BG - 20$



I've decided that I need to break away fro the sci fi genre that I have been working on and do a complete 180. I have decided to write a memoir of the 3 years of my cocaine addiction. I wrote one when I was in my second round of 9th grade, but it was too short and too sugar coated. This one is going to be the real deal and maybe might get me out of this writer's block.

My reasoning for starting this is to show some of my friends on this site why I was the way I was. For you guys: you thought you knew my problems, but you only saw the tip of the tip OF the tip of the ice berg. You never saw me how i was when I was home every vacation and when i ultimately left MHS.

My other reason is for the majority of the human race that look at addicts as worthless scum that waste the clean air we breath. I want to shed some light on the fact that, even though it is our fault we are addicts, we lose control. Like Nic Sheff said: "It is like being in a car with the gas pedal slammed down to the floor and nothing to do but hold on and pretend you have control. But control was something I lost long ago."

It eats away at you and leaves you with nothing. I'm not going to lie and say the high wasn't worth it because, at the time, ruining my friendships, my relationships with girls, and my music was collateral damage. Just little things. I always thought it was my right to kill myself anyway I please and fuck all the people who wanted me to stop for the good of my health. In my head, I always thought they just wanted me to stop so they could stand to be around me, not for my own well being. I hated so many people for problems that I created, but believed they were plotting against me.

As with my intimate relationships, about 3 of them left me for my drug use. I ruined perfect relationships, ones I thought were legitamate cannidates for marriage, for my drugs. I even tricked myself to believe a girl broke up with me for some douchebag that jerked off to Guitar Hero, when the reality showed she did it because she couldn't handle my strung out ass. She still thinks it is her fault, but it wasn't in the least.

All in all, this is a book that will show you me. Not Metalhead118. Not "a bad boy headbanger who bangs every chick in town". I'm going to show you Mark James Vincent Raffaele. Well, at least the strung out one.

I was inspired by Nic Sheff's book "Tweak", so you might see simularities. I am going to give surragate names to people to protect their innocence. The last thing I need is to lose friendships, because I'm going to write things that were in my head but I could never say.

To all of you who read this upcoming project, think about it after you read every chapter. Think about the Mark you thought you knew and compare him to the one you will read about.

One love and cheers,

Mark

  • Mood: Peaceful
  • Listening to: Not Ready to Die by Demon Hunter
  • Drinking: Amped Lightning

MORE PORN!!!!!

Journal Entry: Sun Nov 15, 2009, 2:33 AM
Well, the title probably threw you off, because this has nothing to do with porn...but i would like MORE PORN!!!!!!!!

Ahem, anyways, if you have noticed, I have deleted many of my "self portraits" (If you can call those monstrosities that, i guess). I chose to do this because, to be frank, I was being a camwhore. To be even more frank, the only reason i did those was with the faint hope that maybe, just maybe, i could get laid with a chick I was with at the time(welcome to the mind of a hormone raging 16 year old).

Yes it was stupid and pointless, to say the least.

I've come to the conclusion that those types of photos do not belong on an art website, but on MySpace, Facebook, etc. Since I have recently upgraded my DA account (I just have to wait 5-15 days), those photos have been smitten to the deepest depths of Oblivion, to never see the light of day again. Besides, I did you all a favor by saving your eyes from the eternal pain from which you get when you see my UGLINESS!!! MUHAHAHA!!!

To be clear, I do not look down upon those who do do this. It works for them, great. It doesn't work for me. I hope i don't get a zillion comments saying I'm a heartless bastard for dissing people who take self portraits, because that ain't me. Take some valium and sleep it off. Because life is too short to be a bitch :]

Another point: Do not ask me who this chick is. She knows who she is and if she doesn't, well, she's a fucking oblivious idiot XD

So, with that settled, i need to go fap to some porn. Because <insert fictional character here> knows I don't get any pussy XD

  • Mood: High
  • Listening to: Your Cold Flesh by Blood Red Throne
  • Watching: your mom getting graped lol
  • Eating: dead aborted fetuses
  • Drinking: BLOOD OF 1000 VIRGINS!!!!!

Updates and stuff

Journal Entry: Thu Oct 22, 2009, 11:14 AM
I'M FINALLY IN A BAND THAT CARES!!!! HUZZAH!

Well, it's only two people now. ME and DJ Sourz are pretty much the only members left, due to our bassist, Steve-O, moving to NC and Lil Man leaving the project due to personal conflicts and thinking he doesn't belong in the band. I told him bands have had rappers/DJs in their band since the early 90's, but he still felt like he didn't belong. Which sucks, because he's a fucking prodigy. Good news though, he still wants to help us, which is the best he thinks he can do.

But, we do have a name: QuickSend. We also have three songs completed (sort of):

-Thousand Yard Stare
-Vein
-Junkie Re-Up

Expect us to be kicking you in the head by next year. That's when we predict we're gonna start touring by ourselves and bring the coming end of the world.

In other news, I'm still single. So, ladies....just kidding XD. I plan to be single for a while, so I'm so very sorry to all of you XD.

I do have dreads! I got them done a little while ago, so if i get a camera, i might put pictures up. Who knows. lol

  • Mood: Thrilled
  • Listening to: Dope Hat by Marilyn Manson
  • Eating: little babies

Up to the teeth in STUFF!!!!

Journal Entry: Tue Jun 30, 2009, 1:37 PM
Just updates this time:

- I'm learning Martial Arts from my house mates! It's fun as hell and it's very relaxing, soothing, and replenishes the soul.

- I moved out on my own with my bro's DJ Sourz and Guitar God Jason. It's been hectic these past few days and I'm still not completely moved out. Hopefully by the end of this week I'll be totally moved out.

- Learning how to play guitar better. i've been in one hell of a rut lately so I decided to actually get lessons from Jason. He has the patience of fucking Job.

Hope everyone is doing fine on this rainy summer day. I'll probably get baked later so I can blow off some steam and have some well deserved R&R.

Cheers and one love!

Metal

  • Mood: Content
  • Listening to: Ecstecy by Rusted Root
  • Drinking: Chicken soup with a soda on the side

Damn, this shit will be the death of me...

Wed Jun 10, 2009, 4:06 AM
First, some !!!UPDATES!!!

- Waiting for my homies from MHS to start summer vacation, so check em out in the mean time.

- Yes, I know I have been slacking in the writing department, but hopefully I'll get all the shit figured out and get out of this writer's block.

- New lyrics up for any of you that want to check em out.

Now down to the nitty gritty.

I have to tell ya, it's fun screwing with people. Especially the ones that are so easy to get to that it's like putty in your hands: They're so damn malleable! Not to confuse any of you, but I do not like doing this. It's fun, but it wastes my time, but on this occasion, it was worth it. Cause this guy is a "few fries short of a Happy Meal" if you get my drift. Besides, this "L33t HaX0r"(Translation: Total Fucking Half-Wit)has been on my shit list for awhile, so hopefully this will give some closure to the beef between us.

I'm not going to mention his name, because that would be somewhat cruel. Though you may wounder why I even care, this person does not deserve that that kind of mindless cruelty. Though he might deserve his face being made a permanent addition to the sidewalk, but violence is not really my cup of tea.

You know, sometimes, when you just had enough of someone's bullshit, you want to confront their ass and tell them what the deal is? Well, I did not have that good fortune, so I just emailed him to tell him to back the fuck off of me and my brothers and sisters, or his life will be quite unbearable. It was quite a long letter, but it was no big deal since I usually write more that anyways. After he emailed me back, it was clear this moron was a little late in the developmental stage in his life, due to the fact he did not even bother to read letter; MY graciousness as a person to at least warn him before the shit hit the fan. So I just replied saying congrats on being a douche and living in a world of fiction.

I did not think he would buy it. In fact, I hoped he didn't, cause then at least the faggot (you don't have to be gay to be a faggot) had some kind of intelligence to know it was psychological hook. It would would either A) make him read my letter or B) he would ignore it. But that son of a bitch took that fucking hook and ran with it! And that was all I needed! I told him I wouldn't reply back in a malicious way to anything he wrote about my letter, but I wanted to humor myself by reading what he said about it.

But, a mistake on his part kind of just made me step back in awe on how FUCKING RETARDED he was. He actually said "n00b" in the letter, which I just summed up his whole reply as: I'M A FUCKING TOOL! So I simply deleted it, for my job was done. He read my letter and it got to him obviously, because his half witted reply was laughable at most. For me to dumb down to that would be insulting to myself. Sure, I talk l33t sometimes just as a joke, but as a reply to a serious matter: no. Abso-fucking-lutely not.

So I told him to grow up and come back to me when he at least start acting serious. Man, did I start laughing after I read in his reply that "He could rip apart my mind with the words he could spit". What the fuck??? First you're some scene kid, now you're a rapper? A little bit of a case of identity disorder if you ask me.

So, after all the dust had settled, I sat back and pondered. Did he learn a damn thing? Probably, probably not. I'm leaning towards the latter because he just doesn't get it. He thinks he is the hot shit because he has been in "that school" for, what, two years? If he would have been there for a bit longer, he might of been a cool guy. But he has this "holier than thou" vibe going on that just makes me want to choke it out of him (metaphorically, of course). I mean, seriously, this dude makes 4chan dipshits seem like fucking Voltaire. Now that, my friends, is just sad.

So, I leave you with a common quote by the great Marcus Tullius Cicero that goes so well with this situation:

“Any man can make mistakes, but only an idiot persists in his error”

Final words to the "Idiot": Quit jerking off to Guitar Hero and get out into the real world and learn something.

Sincerely,

Metalhead118 (aka Mark)

  • Mood: Content
  • Listening to: Rational Gaze by Meshuggah
  • Drinking: COFFEE!!!!

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